Baby Boy

Dear Baby Boy,

You are loved. You have a name. We are starting to get things ready for when you come. Here are a few things you need to know . . .

You were kept a secret for a long time, not because we didn’t want others to know, but because mommy’s heart has been through a lot and she was trying to protect it. That is pretty silly, because God is in control and He can be trusted with all that we have and all that we are. God has taught me so much, but I still have a lot left to learn. I can’t wait to teach you all about God and how much He loves you. You are a precious gift from Him. He created you and is with you always. He loves you the most of everyone, even me! I don’t even know how that is possible, but it’s true! Oh, and you will also learn about weird stuff like vocabulary, grammatical morphemes, and prepositions from me. Sorry about that.

Owen and Miles are excited to meet you. When daddy and I showed them a picture of you in my belly, they thought you were a baby dinosaur! I’ll show you the picture someday and you can see for yourself. Owen loves babies and has been asking for a baby at our house. He is helping Miles learn how to be a big brother. They put on their capes and do big brother training. One more thing, for now your brothers have named you “Ricardo,” but don’t worry because that’s not going to be your real name!

You are so lucky to have daddy for your daddy. He is so fun and crazy and he will swing you around and make mommy really nervous. Daddy will take you to Starbucks and even teach you how to make his coffee. Also, be ready, because daddy likes to record everything and put it on the internet. He will make you the star of the show! Daddy will also teach you how to pray. He will pray with you before bed each night and then maybe throw in a puppet show if you’re good!

Oh, I just saw my belly move! You are becoming quite the mover and shaker. That makes me so happy and excited when I feel you moving. You move a lot at night and also when I eat. You seem to like hand-dipped ice cream like Baskin Robbins, or maybe that’s just me. Keep kicking baby. We will keep getting things ready for you here, you just relax and grow a little more each day. You are loved.

Mom

written July 7, 2011

All Things Miles . . .

-I love the way he comes in my room in the morning and whispers, “Mom, I gotta tell you something—I love you.”

-This boy has about a million different facial expressions—happy, silly, mean, mad—he is so animated and is constantly making people laugh.

-As a speech pathologist, I thought any sort of articulation errors in my own children would drive me mad, but I’ve come to yove Miles’ yittle “l” sound.

-We always end our bedtime routine by singing “Jesus Loves Me.” Miles closes his eyes and smiles as I sing the last few words.

-Miles is all boy. He loves swords, guns and now his new light saber. I’m trying to channel that into raising a warrior for the Lord!

-Sometimes when he is tired, I catch him twirling his curls with his fingers.

-Whereas Owen could care less about being in timeout, Miles always cries his loudest cry when he is sent to the naughty spot.

-This is kind of gross, but we are talking all things Miles . . . the kid leaves a trail of boogies (aka boogers) wherever he goes. We are working on this.

-The boy is a pack rat. Everything belongs to his “collection.” You would not believe the weird stuff I found while cleaning out his room the other day.

-Miles for sure loves his dad, but he is definitely a mama’s boy. He loves to sit by me and hold my hand. I know it won’t last forever, so I’m enjoying every minute of it now!

“Miles Lee Early, I love you. Miles Lee Early it’s all true. Miles Lee Early what a joy! Miles Lee Early you’re my boy.”

1 Thessalonians 3:9 How can we thank God enough for you in return for all the joy we have in the presence of our God because of you?

Spring is Coming

Back in February (notice the huge snow drifts in the window), Owen secretly set out to brighten my day by dragging out his Crayola floor pad and some markers and making a special picture just for me. I don’t think I’ll ever forget what he said when he gave it to me . . . “Mama, this is for you to remind you spring is coming.”

My eyes filled with tears as I wrapped him up in a mom-sized hug. What a blessing that the Lord had used my sweet 6 year old to encouraged me in such a deep and meaningful way.

Steven Curtis Chapman’s Beauty Will Rise CD has a song entitled “Spring is Coming.” This song begins with seeds being planted “while the tears of our grief soaked the ground.” Winter takes its toll, yet beneath the ground the seed is beginning to rise and there is a hope that tells us “spring is coming.” Eventually, new life breaks through and we know that “it won’t be long now, it’s just about here.”

When Owen gave that picture to me in February, the ice was already beginning to melt away. God has been so faithful to give me continual signs of spring—not only as I look forward to eternity, but also as I see new life springing forth here on earth in so many ways.

2 Corinthians 9:15 Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!

Walking on Water

If my life were set to music, I’m pretty sure Steven Curtis Chapman songs would pop up at the most significant moments. Just the other day, I was going about my business and heading off to work. I hopped in the car and bam . . . “I’m diving in, I’m going deep. In over my head I wanna be . . . so sink or swim I’m diving in.”

Just a few months earlier I had sat in that same car and wildly sung that same song as a declaration to my Lord. In January, I even chose the word “move” to represent my spiritual desire for the new year. I was ready to follow God wherever He chose to lead me. Now here I was a few months later, feeling like I was drowning. What happened?

Immediately, I visualized Peter stepping out of that boat. Maybe timidly at first, maybe completely confident, he was walking on water. Then, in an instant, it all fell apart.

Matthew 14:30-33

³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

³² And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. ³³ Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

This weekend, I saw the wind. Things were moving too fast. Life was becoming too uncertain. I was losing control and I was afraid. I floundered and flailed about for a good day or two before crying out to the Lord to rescue me. His saving grace was immediate and I believe those words first spoken to Peter were now meant for me. “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”

The winds have died down and my view of Jesus has again been brought into sharper focus. When my eyes are fixed on Him, the cares of this world fade away. When my mind is stayed on Him, I am in perfect peace. When I am moving toward my Savior as He calls me to come, I am walking on the water of His grace and mercy, even in the midst of life’s storms.

Journeys

For the past 2 years, I have had the privilege of discipling 14 Jr High girls through our church's small group ministry. Although difficult at times, it has been a joy to walk alongside these girls through the many ups and downs of Jr High. Below is a portion of a letter I am writing to them. I decided to post it because as much as this is for them, I know this has been an important lesson in my life as well.

The other day, I began thinking about 2 very different journeys described in the Bible. The first journey was that of Abraham. At the end of Genesis 11, we get a quick intro about who Abraham is and then bam . . . Gen 12:1 The Lord had said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.” How would you respond to that? How did Abraham respond? The answer comes quickly in Gen 12:4 So Abram left, as the Lord had told him . . .

Now, if you read through Genesis 12-25 you will find that Abraham’s journey was not always easy. He didn’t always make the best choices and he really blew it sometimes. Things were not always great. However, one thing you will see is Abraham’s faith and obedience. God called him on some pretty difficult journeys. He had to move away to a new land. He had to wait a long time to see God begin to fulfill His promises (and Abraham didn’t even see the promises completely fulfilled in his lifetime)! Abraham also had to choose to believe and obey God when he was asked to give up his one and only son Isaac. In the end, Abraham was blessed for his faith and became known as the Father of Nations.

The other journey that came to mind was that of the Israelites. They had been slaves in Egypt for over 400 years when God told Pharaoh “let my people go.” The Israelites watched the Egyptians suffer through the 10 plagues. They saw with their own eyes the power of their God. They were finally set free from slavery and Moses led them out of Egypt. This was just the beginning of their journey. The Israelites faced many obstacles. The first major problem was crossing the Red Sea. Things were looking bad and instead of trusting God to provide for them on this journey they freaked out. They told Moses he should have left them in Egypt. Then they watched the miracle of the Red Sea parting before their very eyes. God had called the Israelites to this journey. Of course he would provide for them. Unfortunately, the Israelites did not get this.

As they continued on their journey they began to complain. “If only we had died by the Lord’s hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death.” (Exodus 16:3) What was their deal? The Israelites did not trust God. They did not believe that He really was taking them to the Promised Land. Instead, they were stuck in the past. By the way, they were stuck in a past that didn’t exist. They were remembering things way better than they ever were in Egypt. The people were oppressed and beaten. They had no freedom. God brought them on a journey to freedom. He loved them. They were His people. He wanted to bring them into the Promised Land—a land flowing with milk and honey.

The Israelites continued to blow it. They continually looked around at other nations and looked back at their past. When their journey was nearly complete, they blew it again. Moses sent 12 spies into Canaan to report on the land. The spies confirmed that Canaan was indeed a land flowing with milk and honey. However, they also reported that there were giants in the land and many powerful people and large, fortified cities. Two of the spies (Joshua and Caleb) wanted go and take possession of the land. They trusted God when He said He would give it to them. The other ten spies and the rest of the Israelites were afraid. They wept and even wanted to pick a new leader to take them back to Egypt. God was very displeased. As a result, only Joshua and Caleb were allowed to eventually enter the Promised Land. The Israelites lack of trust and obedience resulted in missing out on the blessings and the abundant life that God had for them.

So, why the mini-sermon? You are each on a journey—your own journey. Not one of you will walk the same exact path. Along the way, you will experience unique joys and hardships, but God also has special blessings and an abundant life planned especially for you. The question . . . how will you journey? Will you be like Abraham and embrace the journey God has for you? Will you trust him even when the road seems long and hard? Will you believe him even when you don’t understand and will you praise him for moving you along? Or will you be like the Israelites? Will you continually look back and complain that life was better before? Will you look around and compare your journey to those around you? Will you look ahead with fear and not trust God to always be with you?

My prayer for each one of you is that you will embrace the journey God has for you. I pray that you will allow God to continually lead you, guide you, and shape you into the woman he has created you to be. From my own journey, I can tell you that He is completely faithful and so worthy of your trust.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust Jesus

Our family has been so blessed by the ministry of The Haven Network here in Rockford. A friend of mine from church works with this amazing organization which provides support and care for families experiencing the loss of a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death. The Haven provided us with numerous resources, helped with funeral arrangements, and gave us the incredible gift of some beautiful pictures to remember our sweet baby. Last fall, I was asked to share our story for their quarterly newsletter. Below is our story . . .

August 17, 2010

Sitting on a crowded bus, elbow to elbow with strangers, I gaze out the window, forehead pressed to the cool glass. Tears slowly fill my eyes. I shouldn’t be here right now. I should not be here. Arriving at our destination, I take my children by the hand and carefully exit the bus. My husband follows closely behind with the strollers. Music, smiles, greetings, laughter . . . I should not be here. Glancing around, I see people looking up. Hands to forehead, shading their eyes from the sun, they point and squint to see. I look, I see too. Letters . . . there are letters in the sky. I see the small plane slowly and steadily plotting its course. This tiny plane has a message. The message is for me. T . . . R . . . U . . . S . . . T. The plane continues to release it’s smoky directive as I walk toward the gate. I smile at the woman who searches my bag and warmly greet the man who takes my ticket. Do they realize I should not be here? I have arrived. I lift my eyes to the heavens. My message is complete. T . . . R . . . U . . . S . . . T . . . J . . . E . . . S . . . U . . . S.

March 24, 2010

I knew the drill. Sign in, confirm my information, give a sample, wait. Over the course of two full-term pregnancies and two late first trimester miscarriages, I had the routine down. We were 12 weeks into this pregnancy. My tech savy husband played with his new iPad while I looked around trying to keep my mind from pondering all the possible outcomes of our visit. I need my Bible. I grab my purse and pull my Bible out to search for a verse. I need to find the verse about how God is always with us. I flip to Isaiah and scan . . . there it is Isaiah 43:2-3, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” We hear the heartbeat that week and the next and the next. We hear our baby’s heartbeat at 16 weeks. I finally agree to go public with our pregnancy. My worries begin to subside and we decide the weekly office visits are no longer necessary.

May 13, 2010

I have always thought I would be a mom of boys. Our sons, 5 and 2 at the time, were excited about being big brothers. As my husband and I sat in the waiting room, we talked about purchasing a bunk bed to prepare for this new addition to our family. The big question on my mind was what would we need to purchase for the nursery. Would we keep it as is with trucks and trains or would we need a make-over which might include some purple or maybe yellow. I remember walking back to the room. I’m sure everything is fine. I haven’t really felt any movement, but maybe I did and just didn’t realize it. The ultrasound tech asked if we wanted to know the gender . . . absolutely. Then I saw the look on her face. The searching, the concern. “I need to find a doctor.” I knew. Somewhere around 16 weeks, our baby had slipped into eternity. Why was this happening again?

The next moments are vivid, unwanted memories. A doctor holding my hands and telling me what I already knew. Waiting in a room for my doctor to be called in to talk to me. A million things going through my mind. Who needs to be called? My parents will have to keep the boys. Everyone is waiting to hear pink or blue. I need to choose names. Why? Why is this happening again? Is this really happening? This can’t be happening again. I don’t want this to be happening again.

My options are explained. We will need to deliver our baby and we will deliver tonight. I am wheeled through a series of underground passageways that lead to the hospital. My room is on the maternity floor, I am taken to the end of the hall where it will be quiet. “Can we go to Disney” I ask my husband as I lay in the bed awaiting the pains of labor. “Sure” he answers. Later, I am alone. The room is quiet, just the buzz of machinery. I need my Bible. I turn to Job. What did he do when it all fell apart? My answer came quickly in Job 1:20, “Then he fell to the ground in worship . . .” I raise my hands in worship, tears streaming down my face. “Lord, I trust you. I don’t want to be here, I don’t understand, but Lord I trust you.”

Summer 2010

In the following days, weeks, and months, I accepted, I questioned, I hoped and I wrestled . . . all the while trusting God. Is it really possible to trust through all the sorrow and doubts and questions? I think it is. As the waves of grief continue to come in and go out, God has been so faithful and so gracious to love me through it all. Whether it is a kind word of encouragement from someone who has been there, a Bible verse that brings peace in the midst of pain, or even skywriting at Disney World, God is giving me the strength and courage to trust Him.

November 2010

We have been so blessed to have the love and support of our family, friends and church family along with The Haven. We thank our family for caring for us, our friends for crying with us, and our church family for supporting us. We thank The Haven for walking beside us in acknowledgement that our baby is precious and that our grief is real. God has been so good to provide us with these wonderful people in our lives to be his hands and feet, but his grace does not stop here. God has given us the precious and unexplicable gift of peace in this difficult season. He has given us a hope that is sure, an anchor for our souls. Although we do not understand, we trust.

There is a Steven Curtis Chapman song that has been very special to me throughout this time of grieving. The song is called “Faithful” and the bridge at the end of the song says this, “Though I can not have the answer, that I’m wanting to demand, I’ll remember you are God and everything is in Your hand. In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon, the stars up in the sky. For the sake of love, You hung Your own Son on the cross to die.” This is the God we serve. He is a God who knows our sorrows and knows our pain. He wants us to trust him with all that we have and all that we are. He loves us, He has a plan for us. I’ve chosen to trust Him.

T-Rex Temptation

Sunday night is pizza night for the Early family. Last night as we drove to Giordano’s, the subject of stranger danger came up. Brandon and I took turns giving Owen different scenarios that could be dangerous.

What if someone asked you to get in their car because they have some candy?

What if someone asked you to help him look for his lost puppy?

What if someone told you they were going to take you to your mom and dad?

Owen was passing all our tests with flying colors. He knew the right answer . . . say no, run away and tell a trusted adult. Brandon decided to throw in one last test of Owen’s resolve.

What if someone said they were going to take you to see a real live t-rex dinosaur?

A short pause . . . “grrrrrrrr.” In an extremely sad and dejected voice Owen replied, “I would say no . . . but I would really want to see the live t-rex!”

I know it was really hard for Owen to say no. Unfortunately, we have a crafty enemy who is able to tempt us right where it hurts. That is why I am so thankful for the truth of 1 Corinthians 10:13, “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”